Why Do You Have Sex?

Do you have sex because it makes you feel good and you want to? Or do you have it because you feel like you have to?

What You’ll Learn

In this Sensational Sex blog post you’ll find out:

• How women find themselves trapped in the broken orgasm-as-the-goal sex rut.

• What is your delayed sexual response, and how by using your responsive desire it will move you into your sexual arousal

• Why do women never ask for something she wants during sex because she (1) doesn’t know how, (2) doesn’t feel she deserves it, (3) or feels it is too much work?

Why Does It Matter?

Ideally you’re having sex because it gives you pleasure. It makes you feel good about yourself, inside and out and helps you feel connected and strengthens your relationship. And, of course, you have sex because it’s fun. 

Unfortunately, these aren’t the reasons many women in long term relationships are having sex. Instead, she’s having sex for her partner’s satisfaction–not hers. Sex becomes waiting for his orgasm so the sex will be over.

Sex has gone from something that made you feel good to something that made you feel bad. Having sex comes to mean feeling guilt and shame or pressure from her partner. 

The Sex Disconnect

There’s a big disconnect between the way sex is portrayed in the media and what actually happens behind closed doors. Leading so many to feel sexually less-than, striving to be sexually "normal."

FYI–there isn’t such a thing as “normal” sex.The only truly normal thing is the cycle on a washing machine.

When Sex Turns Into a Chore

Most couples don’t give their sex much thought. When you first meet someone, often, in the beginning, sex is easy and effortless. You have sex because your sexual drive is strong, and sex is amazing. They assume sex will always happen magically and spontaneously like it did when they first got together. 

After the honeymoon phase, it’s like sex has done an about-face, and instead of being effortless, it can become a lot of work.It comes as a big shock and surprise when, one day, they wake up to find they’ve fallen into a sex rut. 

This is where for many women sex goes from being something you want to do–to something that you have to do. You ask yourself things like, “What’s the point of having sex when there's little or nothing in the sexual experience for you?”

Stacie’s Story

Sometimes it’s easier to see things in others than in ourselves, so let’s dive into Stacie’s real-life example to help you understand this.

Stacie is 35, (mostly) happily married, the mother of two toddlers, and the owner of a successful graphic design business. Her sex life reads like that of every busy couple: sex was great and effortless when they first met, but it waned after their first year together.

Still, it was good enough and regular until the kids came. After weathering a few post-birthing “female” complications and her kids out of diapers while still maintaining her marriage and business, she floundered to get her sex life back on track.

Intellectually, Stacie understands her relationship needs an intimate connection to keep her partnership strong over the long term. Frustratingly, her body never fully cooperates while in bed. Out of desperation, she started having guilt sex to keep her husband happy and keep their sex life as a blip on the radar screen. Sex became her “wifely duty,” guilt sex progressed into avoidance sex.

(Can you see how Stacie is having sex for her partner’s pleasure and not her pleasure. This would be a completely different sexual experience if Stacie was having sex for her pleasure.)

Let’s Unpack Stacie’s Sex Life

Stacie sounds like she really loves her husband and cares about her marriage, but having sex out of guilt doesn’t sound like fun at all. No wonder she started to avoid it. 

Stacey does not have a sexual dysfunction. In fact, The Kinsey Institute found that fewer women have sexual problems than was previously thought—only one in four American women are "significantly distressed" about their sex lives.

What Can Stacie Do to Make Her Sex Better?

When Stacie’s life shifted, she was not given the manual on how to make the new sex routine work. So she pressed on and went with what she knew–and here’s the important part–she never discussing this with her partner.

Realistically, there are a plethora of reasons why a couple’s sex over the long term goes from great to sideways to a sex rut. For the average couple, their sexual socialization teaches them to clutch & grab the hot spots–boobs, vulva, and penis, and to have orgasm-focused sex.

FYI, this is how men prefer how to have sex–which is perfectly fine–however, the problem becomes that women generally go along with what her partner wants to do.

Goal Oriented Sex Becomes Predictable

After a few years of not knowing how to communicate and doing their best to make sex work, women find themselves trapped in the systemic orgasm-as-the-goal sex. The result? In the magazine poll, when asked, “Are you satisfied with the variety of sex?” Overall, 68 percent of men and women said their sex life is predictable.

The irony then becomes although women like Stacie have the ability to orgasm, she sometimes does but mostly doesn’t.

Why Sex Becomes Something You Avoid

Typically, at the initiation of sex, Stacie’s mind is going ninety miles an hour, and is experiencing a delayed sexual response. Stacie, like the majority of women in a long-term relationship, doesn't know that she needs to put her responsive desire into action. By the time she has started to relax and moved from her head and into her body, the sex is over. 

If this orgasm-as-the-goal orientated sex plays out too often, it becomes easier to get the sex over and done with—leaving him sort of satisfied and her resentful.

Resentful sex isn’t fun or likely to inspire her to want more sex. Many women unwittingly build up tons of unacknowledged resentment towards their spouse and their sex. Husbands/boyfriends/partners can tell when their wives/girlfriends/partners aren’t really into it. Leaving him “sort of” satisfied, too. It’s a lose/ lose sexual experience. 

Women like Stacie never ask for more because she (1) doesn’t know how, (2) doesn’t feel she deserves it, (3) or feels it is too much work. Here starts the typical cycle of her sex life, going from excited to neutral to apathetic, to guilty, to resentful, to avoidance.

Here’s a Little Known Sex Fact

At this point, learning communication techniques and bedroom tricks will do little to help the couple. A woman’s biggest sex organ, her brain, will dig in its heels and unconsciously refuse to enjoy sex.  

What can she do?

Women like Stacie need to turn around her sexual mindset from being negative to having a positive sexual mindset. She needs to learn how to guide her emotional response to sex from resentful to neutral to positive to once again enjoying sex.

We will cover all of this and more during this Sensational Sex blog series. You will learn how to stop forcing yourself into a sexual framework that makes you unhappy to create a sex life that works for you.

Wrap up

Go through this list and pick one thing that most affects your will, want, and desire for sex.

• Are you trapped in the broken orgasm-as-the-goal sex rut?

• Do you experience a delayed sexual response?

• Are you using your responsive desire to move you into your sexual arousal?

• Do you never ask for something you want during sex because you (1) don't know how, (2) don’t feel you deserve it, (3) or feel it is too much work?

What are you prepared to do, today, to turn your sexual dynamic around? 

Making the sexual experience about you will take some time, effort, and change on your part, but not as much as you might think. The Sensational Sex blog and podcast are here to help you with this every step of the way.

When You Don’t Think You Can … Remember

We are all rooting for your sex’cess. Because when you sex’ceed, you are raising women’s sexuality to a new, higher standard. That makes you a bad-ass human being.

Enjoyed this blog? Listen to Episode #2 of the Sensational Sex Podcast to learn more!